“No, it is precisely what has kept you from greatness. It has kept you from discovering the simplest and most significant lesson of all: It’s not about you.” -The Ancient One
Scrabble.
Here is the deal with loner kids. They tend to grow up and be loners (a much more dangerous thing in every way) if that perfect coming-of-age situation never happens or passes unmarked. Sure, these people (as I foolishly pretend not to be talking about myself) appreciate love and company as much, if not more, than most. But, in being alone for long periods of time, people unknowingly reinforce the habit of being alone. The longer that habit is practiced, the more normal it becomes. The longer it is a norm, the more you need it to function.
You lie to yourself in those moments of loneliness. You tell yourself stupid things (or your dog) like, “all I need is a group of people to believe in my music” or “all I need is a woman to love me and play Scrabble with me I am stressed out”. These moments pass. You plug away alone at the things you dream of. All the while, the need to be alone that you spent so much time developing tempts you to self-sabotage. You build bridges and until they are ripe for burning. You douse them with kerosene. And just as everything settles into a nice balance, you light the match.
The older you get, the more practiced you become at this process. Until your mechanism of sabotage is so refined, so subtle that you honestly can place blame at everyone else’s feet but your own. You walk away from the fire knowing in your heart that you did everything that you could, free from fault. Therefore, you are free from the knowledge that is needed to do it better next time.
Say you have become aware of the machine. Say you develop the balls to tare it down. Say that you are even intelligent enough to understand you will be warring with the temptation to burn it all down and start over for as many years as you spent building that very temptation. You have to accept responsibility for everything in your life; dare I say: you have to grow up like everyone else.
Loners: I started my war against this machine I had built when I was sixteen (eighteen years ago). I can tell you that you need something in your world that means more than you to win it. I have three things. Linda, music, and Lina.
My wife and I have played scrabble together for eleven years. I have started, discovered, and stopped the aforementioned process several times in that time. I am grateful to her for being patient with me.
Three bands over twenty years have kept me alive long enough to realize all of this. Two of them did not stand a chance against this process.
Ten years ago, I met P Michael. We shared a stage in one form or another for eight of them. During that time, I started and discovered that process several times. The seeds of my self-deception, germinated and grew outside of my/our control, and the most successful iteration of that dream is buried under the resulting foliage. Still, the third of these bands was amazing to be a part of. I will forever be grateful to Mike, and the ten other people who gave pieces of their own journey to make it happen. Because of them, regret will never hold me hostage.
The final piece of the puzzle is the one that ensured my victory. I woke up this morning, and Lina got up about the same time. I asked her what she wanted for breakfast. She replied “I’m not hungry yet. Can we play this?”
And we played our first game of Scrabble.
Joshua Ray Summey 
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